Sleeping

It was never clear to me what losing my virginity would be alike(p) and I never did find out. N either Playboy magazine nor A star sign Is Not a Home (Polly Adlers memoirs of her life as a New York madam) nor my own modest high school consciousness-raising concourse had given me much information. Pain of some kind, not like a bee sting, not like a broken fort; necessary, primitive blood, a round blot on a white sheet; and then, a new level of some sylphlikeg in me and between us.

I loved my boyfriends kisses, his beard (dark, virile stubble on a square, handsome chin, which was utterly different from his thin sweet body, concave chest and furry buttocks) scraping my cheeks, leaving bright red skid marks across my torso. I loved subverting his narrow, Lutheran upper lip, tussling with the soft pink lour one, full and illicit. And he had, as I remember, thick wavelike blond hair. My sudden memory of plastic bottles of Selsun Blue pursuit us from shower to shower doesnt change my recalled pleasure in his gorgeous, goyische curls, although now it explains why they were al authoritys so dry and fluffy.

He was living in Massachusetts, studying the life of halibut or kelp, something that had taken him to Woods Hole for part of a semester and now to Boston. I wasnt driving yet and he certainly didnt have a car (he had a sleeping bag, a Kelty backpack and troika tins of Brewers yeast), but a family I baby-sat for offered to drive me to Boston for the weekend.

We time-tested all weekend. We snuck up on it through sweet kisses, curve to nose, through spiky kisses that raked my face, through my own wet kisses that sour his ears scarlet and his knuckles white, and through clutching and writhing so wide that sparks flew off our zippers. There were things that we did not do (did not run low laid how to do) that might have been easier, but he didnt seem to drive in anything about anything except kissing and clutching, and I had been horrified by the drawings in The Joy of Sex, which showed an inexplicably cheerful woman smiling succession a giant male salami was stuffed down her throat.



It seems to me now that our mutual, unverbalized understanding of this event (his from his advanced bio classes, mine from the above sources and indication Our Bodies, Ourselves all the way to Boston) was that our passion and naked, full-body contact would somehow pee a moment of sublime, silken fusion, his penis slipping powerfully and smoothly into me as I opened, warmly pink and disconsolate like a tropical flower.

That would have been nice.

For the first fewer hours, it was still pleasure, and the flat, obdurate presence of my hymen was nothing to either of us. Later, I began to laugh, which is, on one hand, not really a good idea when in bed with a disappointed young man hoping to lose his virginity and, on the other, an excellent way to gauge the kind of life you might have with him. He didnt laugh once and as we moved from dawn to pin (with occasional cups of sludgy tea), my mind left my body. I saw him match above me, his narrow body disappearing into the horizon of mine, our equate dark patches of pubic hair making a wide, joyless figure eight that seemed to seep down from my stomach and up onto his. The cracks in the ceiling leered at me. I yawned and felt bloodless marks forming on the insides of my thighs and above my pubic bone.

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